Lovino’s Legendary List: The Many Ways a Woman Says "Oh!"

– From the Diary of a Retired Romantic Who’s Seen (and Heard) It All

So, you read my last post, right? Good boy. You’ve lubricated the engine, warmed it up with those magic fingers - now it’s time to go the complete scenic way. Strap in, boys. This is not a quick trip to the fish market. We're going directly into the mythical region of female orgasms - no GPS, just guts, elegance, and perhaps a glass of feni for bravery.

Let's start with the classic: clitoral orgasm. This one’s the old faithful, like that aunty who turns up to every family wedding and still steals the show. Gentle attention here can result in instant fireworks. With a little patience and rhythm, she can glimpse stars. Don’t rush it. This isn’t a speedboat ride to Baga, it’s a sunset cruise down Mandovi.

Now, let's discuss the illusive G-spot. Finding this is like searching for buried treasure. It is not always simple, but when you do discover it? Jackpot!. It's hidden away like your grandmother's secret bottle of port wine, but believe me, it's worth the quest. She may not even be aware of its location, but that is the purpose of the investigation.

Then there's the deep one: the cervical orgasm. This is not for everyone, and it is not about charging in with all weapons blazing. It's about trust and timing. If her legs begin to perform the macarena on their own, you're probably doing something correctly.

Anal pleasure - The one that folks talk about at dinner parties but look up at midnight. Let us not be sly. It's 2025. If you both agree, then go forward. But remember, now is not the time to be macho. Communication, lubrication, and thoughtfulness. Not necessarily in that order.

Surprise! Nipples can also be used as pleasure buttons. Some women can achieve complete orgasm from simply nipple play. I once met a jazz singer in Panjim who - oh, never mind. Let's just say you should never underestimate the top deck. Explore with interest, not misunderstanding.

If you are brave and coordinated enough to mix clitoral and G-spot pleasure, you've reached Michelin-star status. This is not just dessert; it is a whole tasting menu. Take your time, check in with her, and remember: this isn't a race. It's a delightfully leisurely and tasty supper. Serve with wine. Alternatively, water. Hydration is important.

Multiple orgasms? Yes, ladies might experience round after round as if it were the monsoon and each drop was a gift from the gods. Unlike men, who normally stop after one, women may keep going - if you play your cards correctly. Think of it as a dance rather than a race.

Ah, and then there's the one that leaves you soaked. Some call it squirting, some call it the Great Flood. All I can say is that you'll know when it happens. And so will your bed linens. Be ready, not shocked. Consider keeping a towel nearby and a sense of humour in your pocket.

There's also the emotional orgasm, which smacks her in the soul. It's uncommon, like finding a quiet area at Mapusa market, but when it happens, you'll never forget it. She could laugh, weep, and then ask for tea. Let her. You've just touched more than her body; you've reached her core.

Finally, we have the enigmatic sleep orgasm. Yes, this occurs. Some women experience orgasms in their sleep. Even though no one is touching them, they experience bliss. I'm not sure how they do it, but I admire it greatly. If it isn't divine engineering, I'm not sure what is.

So, there you have it. Ten amazing ways a woman may achieve her peak - and none of them require you to check your phone mid-session. Be present. Be playful. Be patient. And, for heaven's sake, listen to her body as if it were giving you a narrative, which it is.

—Lovino, 70 and still dangerous