Lovino’s No-BS Guide to Bedroom Bloopers (and How to Sort 'Em Out)

Ah, marriage: a little love, a little ridiculousness, and a lot of hidden sex issues that no

one informed you about before the wedding. But don't worry, Lovino is here to be honest.

Grab a companion, a drink, and maybe a sense of humor, and let's go. (I strongly

recommend reading together.)

1. Energizer Bunny and Exhausted Pillow.

One of you is always prepared, whilst the other is already half asleep. If your spouse

looks more like a blanket burrito than a lover, back off, Romeo. Before attempting to hop

on their bones, try speaking, laughing, and perhaps sharing a dessert. Don't ruin the

moment; instead, create it.

2. "Ugh, Now?" Syndrome.

When you'd rather alphabetize spice jars than perform the horizontal tango, something's

not right. Stress, hormones, or even that one statement you made in 2013: it all adds up.

It's time to talk, flirt differently, and maybe break your slow habit.

3. The Hygiene Horror.

Let's be honest: if you smell like an abandoned gym bag, no one wants to sleep with you.

Brush. Bathe. Wear something that will not remind them of the last time they washed

their dog.

4. The Wandering Thumb (and Eyes).

Sliding into DMs and double-tapping influencers around 2 a.m.? Buddy, bring your

excitement home. You married someone not for money or conflicts, but for love and

passion. Water the garden. Let the flowers bloom.

5. The "Me, Me, Me" issue.

If your partner lies there like a starfish while you do Olympic feats, something is missing.

Ask. Share. Teach each other. The bedroom is not a one-man show.

6. The Ex Who Won't Stay Exed

Your spouse is not your ex. They do not want to be. Stop grading them like school exams.

This is a new recipe; do not use old spices.

7. The Porn Failure.

Look, everybody has a browsing history. But if your screen time exceeds your bedtime,

it's time to reconsider. The magic arises when real flesh, real contact, and real moans

come together. Not in high definition close-ups of strangers with no laundry to fold.

8. Solo Overload

Masturbation is okay, but if you do it alone while your husband is reading in bed, we

have a problem. Try encouraging them to participate in the fun. Show, share, and learn.

This isn't a competition.

9. The Vanishing Confidence Trick.

You are not a Bollywood hero or model, nor is your partner. That is okay. Sexy does not

entail six-pack abs or perfect skin. It's in your eyes, attitude, and the way you look at

them, as if they were the last mango of the season.

10. Mental gymnastics in mid-action.

She's grumbling while simultaneously wondering if the gas bill has been paid. He's

thrusting while contemplating tomorrow's cricket match. Please leave the intellect at the

door. Presence is the genuine kind of foreplay.

11. The Fireworks Fiasco

If you're done before she’s even figured out where her legs go, calm down, breathe, and

consider it part of the game. If everything else fails, use those fingers (refer to my

previous instruction).

12. Laughter > Perfection.

Let's be honest: embarrassing things happen. Noises, pains, disruptions, and maybe a

surprise fart. If you can laugh through it, snuggle afterward, and still feel connected,

you're doing great.

Marriage is like a dance; sometimes you slip, and occasionally you nail the lift. But if you

can squeeze each other, laugh, and try again, you've already won.

Go love each other. Properly.